For many years, I did not have the burning desire to become a mother because I felt that I would be too demanding or harsh a mother, i.e. my child would probably hate me and write her own Mommy dearest memoir.
Now with B, this fear continues to resonate. Sometimes I wonder as a first time mother if I push her too hard or expect too much. I often have to remind myself, she's just a little baby. Don't compare or compete with other mommies in the mommy group (seriously like miss bear said, very toxic).
Today I decided to visit my corlick who had a leg operation at NUH, despite having to haul B along and it being bloody far from my house. I felt bad not going because she came to see me n B at the hospital when she was born. (Surprisingly given my nasty nature, a fair lot of people visited, to both my n bobo surprise. Probably to see what kind of devil spawn will come out of the nasty screaming witch. Lol)
I know she felt vulnerable because another dear corlick just died last weekend. And she sent me a pic of her injury...
My parents and in laws could be dismayed to know I knowingly exposed B to icky germs but I never heed people who comment but 隔岸观火. And I am tired of my kid being deprioritised in favor of another grandchild.
Dear NUH, please do something about your layout. I could die just pushing B around the maze of corridors and avoiding the hoards crowding into the visitor lifts. I am almost sorry for grumbling about TTSH which i have now come to appreciate its excellent pharmacy.
But I digressed. I was surprised to see okasan and two other corlicks visiting as well. Okasan didn't visit after the first home visit but i understand, she has her own troubles.
I have always noted that I have a child with much superior situation awareness than me. As usual, she was her charming baby self, obediently wearing her new strawberry hat (which she silently abhors) and baby mask, which earned some admiring marvels from my corlicks, who didn't hesitate to share their kids brattiness.
Okasan asked me what new tricks can B do? I said somewhat recklessly that she could do high fives. By reckless:
1. it's a new thing that we do as part of her guerilla crawling (i encourage her to crawl and tag my hand as "destination").
2. I dont call this tagging as high five.
3. B doesnt really respond to strangers. She usually sees my face to determine if i am familiar with the person googoo gagaing her, thereafter choosing to smile or evil glare the person. Like i said, better situation awareness than me. She can also do a mean fuck you glare, like "why the fuck are you making googoo gaga face? What are you? A baby?"
Thankfully, i think because i was super happy chatting with okasan, she registered okasan as ok and immediately high fived her back. And true to okasan's nature, she tested b to see if it were a fluke and asked her to high five again.
Which she did. 3 times.
I was like... Rainbows and hearts i tell you.
Not in nearly 4 fucking decades has a high five brought a burst of meaning to my hapless life. Thank you B, in that magical instant, you made feel that my decision to stop work to full time parent you was worth it. You wonderful, brilliant brat.
P.S. I hope that when you do write that mommy dearest memoir, you'd remember that you bring joy to your mother's jaded, hardened soul even if she doesn't tell you that to your face.
P.S. I hope that when you do write that mommy dearest memoir, you'd remember that you bring joy to your mother's jaded, hardened soul even if she doesn't tell you that to your face.
