Fury (the movie) and other mundane events

Took leave on Monday. Wanted to play with my new scooter at the Park, but didn't because of the stupid rain. It kept raining on and off yesterday. Sigh, didn't manage to capture enough rainwater for my roses, I need to build a contraption to capture rain water off the roof. All that wasted water!

We ended up at AMK nursery (next to library) because I wanted to get bamboo sticks to support my crazy white rose (came back to life again after the spider mite nonsense. However my purple rose never recovered from my doctoring, but when I bought it, it already had yellowing leaves. I couldn't resist getting purple roses, hello, PURPLE).  

There must be a massive demand for bamboo sticks or something. The Thomson nurseries are selling them at S$1 a stick (daylight robbery), whereas I got a bunch of them for S$2 the other time at AMK garden. The lady said they have run out of the sticks. Sucks. I did notice that they were selling the Daiso (everything S$2!) gardening supports (the one I buy for my roses) at a marked up price of S$5.20. Very cunning. They have removed the packaging that easily identifies the item as a Daiso product, but retained the green wire that comes with the packaging. OMG.

So we continued onto the central area, with Bobo whining that he wanted to zombie at home, instead of being dragged around AMK. In the end we decided to watch a movie before getting my salmon (S$63 for a whole fish, eye watering!) and some buttons for my dress. 

We watched FURY. Being a massive CoH fan, I was instantly attracted by the promise of a Sherman tank (btw the Tiger tank used in the movie is the last working Tiger in the world. Amazeballs!). It was gory, violent and horrifyingly captivating to watch. I was sufficiently traumatised, so it has achieved its purpose. Too much talking though, same complaint that we had with the CoH movie.  Yak yak yak, fight fight, Yak Yak, sex with a german girl, yak yak. Everyone dies except for that moron.

Bobo and I were disappointed with the ending. He thought that it was going to be like most American war movies, the air support/ backup will show up at the critical moment to save the day and everyone's life would be spared. Instead everyone got picked off one by one like a horror movie, except everything happened in the eponymous tank.

I thought that the stupid moron was going to be injured and Brad Pitt was going to shoot him between the eyes to put him out of his misery like what Gonzo described about mercy killing the horses used in the war (when they were sitting around the dining table). I liked that poignant ending. Instead the movie used another poignant ending. The moron didn't want to shoot the hitlerjugend at the beginning of the movie, and in the end, he was spared by the mercy of a young german soldier when he discovered him alive and well under the tank hatch. So expected...

*realized I sound pretty cheerful today. I must be coming down with something*

In flagrante fartico

The two of us are in the descending lift, when B1 suddenly farts. It's a running joke between us, especially since he doesn't like it when I make the nasty sound.

It is an especially loud one, and we are laughing appreciatively (too comfortable with each other for our own good), when the lift suddenly slows down to our horror. A mother, with two young kiddies and her maid in tow, comes into the lift. None of them notices our look of guilt, especially the hapless boy who moves towards the rear of the lift (B1 and I are both leaning against opposite walls perpendicular to the door. 

The boy stands between us. And for the most bizarre reason, he starts sniffing REALLY LOUDLY *lol*. Sniff Sniff Sniff (3 times)! He then wears a very peculiar expression. Must be because he is the perfect height for taking in the Odious Maximus. We are truly caught in flagrante delicto.

B1, the dick he is, immediately puts a finger across his nose, pretending that the offender is me. Offended, I pointed at him. The kid ignores both of us and moves closer to the door (probably in the vain attempt to inhale fresh air). 

When we alight, and barely reach out of earshot, I screech like a banshee with laughter while B1 scolds me like a naggy granny for outing him.

Hell hath no fury like this woman's wrath

I have been having a shitty week. As usual.

But I was unable to destress by playing CoH. Because for some reason, my internet bandwidth has crawled to a miserable average of 5-10 Kb/s.

Hello, I haven't experienced a speed so shit since my 56K modem. I couldn't even log into gmail, for fuck's sake.

But strangely dear B1 was still able to play his fucking BF3 with no problems. Since I was very tired, I went to bed early everyday this week. Yesterday I even fell off my stool after falling asleep. So I didn't mind so much, even though I couldn't do much. Besides I was still sewing my kangaroo back into her body. 

Anyway that was why I was very surprised when my Skype friends said hi to me yesterday when my phone logged in by itself last night.

And today. Today was the worst. My internet was so slow, I couldn't even use google. wtf? Then I heard BF3 going on in the background.

WHY THAT...

"What the fuck have you been doing to my bandwidth?! Why can't I use google!"

Looked very innocent.

"Eh, oh. ok, I will do something about it."

I walked back into the room. Suddenly my download sped up to 200kbps. 

"you fucker! You starved me of bandwidth?!"

"I don't know, I put 300kbps. How did I know you experience 7kbps? I had no choice, your download causes my BF3 to slow down."

"WIR HABEN UNS EINE SCHEIDUNG!!!!" I screamed."The next time you do this I will... I will put rat poison in your food!" (it was a very bad day to piss me off)

[image source: immaclaus@devianart]

The next time he does that, I am going to put my foot through his laptop. I'd see how he plays BF3. As I was angrily muttering that, he came into the room and hugged me.

"Please don't be mad...And tell me if this happens again ok? Don't put rat poison into my food first ok?"

>.<"

My boyfriends "Arse"nal, Man"chest"er

Yesterday while taking the lift back to the apartment (the damn thing takes about 1 min without stops, everyday I regret living on such a high floor. Shitty cellular signal, I once had to stick out my neck outside the window with the handphone to yell at my supplier, birds living on the rooftop stealing the leaves off my plants, idiots stealing my plants and shoes, I could go on and on), I was smsing my cousin.

"Who are you messaging, huh?" Combative, B1 rumbled as I continued pressing at the keys, while studiously ignoring him.

"Chelsea."

He stood there for a while, blinking.

"My cousin, remember?"

"Oh. I thought you meant the football club." Rich, considering this boy does not watch football. I am ironically the one who watches the football in the house, though my interest is limited to the German national team full stop.

"Ya," I said, putting away the phone,"that reminds me, I should sms my lover with the great ass later, his moniker is Arsenal."

"Or should I sms Liverpull, my lover with the long dick?"

He replied, "how about your boyfriend who can benchpress to no end. Manchester?"

The Great Scurvy Scare of 2012

A day before flying off for Germany, I was typing away at a meeting when I suddenly paused in thought. That was when I noticed the back of my left hand had two distinctive brown spots. I was puzzled...

"Google said it could either be liver trouble, scurvy ..." I pronounced seriously to B1 when I got home. I was quite harried because I was working even on the day we were flying off, so B1 was practically flying off the handle by the time I got home (nearly 8 pm, we needed to get to Changi Airport by 9pm.) It was nearly as bad, when we were coming home, we were running through Frankfurt's Terminal 1 because boarding time was 2050 Uhr and we were still going through the security checks at 2045 Uhr, where I was held back by 1 German Customs officer who was suddenly interested in why a Singaporean can speak terrible German, and then by another German Customs officer who wanted to know why I was carrying two blades in my backpack...another story.

He was even more worried, because he noticed that his right hand had a brown spot too. So after we checked in at the airport, he bought some Vitamin C pills while I was wondering how did we both get scurvy (if it was just me, it could be liver trouble... but two persons in the same household? B1 was of the mindset that I passed him some VD. With who, ass? My phantom Ang Mo Boyfriend?)

It took us 5 days, when one strange brown spot came off my hand suddenly to reveal new skin underneath, to realize it was the result of oil scalding from two weeks back. 

B1 liked to eat prawns, which I DETEST. So I made him peel the prawns and deep fry them with me. We were both scalded by the oil because for once, I did not control the fire properly as the prawns were frozen ones and I was too impatient to wait for them to thaw and dry before frying them...

So I am still packing up my stuff to move to the new place.

Learnt a few things in the meantime.

1. I don't have that many books after all (which is why I am asking for Kinokuniya vouchers again).

2. Don't move your toys ahead unless you can stand the separation.

3. Never show your government some weird ornament that you want to throw away and feel guilty for throwing something he might have given you, and ask him, "eh, can I throw this?"

Only to have him say, "which lover gave you this?"

Oh fuck. >.<"

I went to pray

Yesterday was officially the worst day of my life as a tiny plasticine penis. Every time I tried to plug a hole, one of the 3 "Titanic"s I work on would spring a leak. It's like I could never get the ship from sinking. It was bad news after bad news. It got to a point where I became very convinced that I really "犯太岁". Plus the fact that my new apartment is starting to look like the house from hell made it worse. I seriously hate the idea of moving to the new place.

I feel like someone kicked me in the nuts. Seriously.

So today I went to pray. The office gang was shocked that I would actually take leave to go and pray. Well, I was so convinced that I wanted to take whole day leave, but I had several early meetings (first one thankfully dragged and let me escape from the rest). So I enjoyed a lot of smses and phone calls asking me where I was  the whole afternoon (apparently my out of office is not deterring them enough). But I was very determined to pray. Hopefully the Heavens will take mercy on my woeful soul and not punish me so much anymore. On the other hand, another person I know who is from the same zodiac as me has just as shitty luck as me. How can I not believe?

While I was praying at the first temple, I noticed a pair of crazy ass Ang Mos who stood off to the side of the prayer mat(?) bemusedly watching the devotees as if watching animals romping in the zoo? How would they like it if I go to the church and do that to them while they sing "Amazing Grace" *flips the birdie*

The Government joins the Dark Side