Taken from Daily Mail article "A definitive guide to the lovers you should avoid at all costs" on 4th June, which was an excerpt from the book, Bullies, Bitches and Bastards by Eileen Condon and Amanda Edwards. Disclaimer: words in red are written by Yours Truly, and not part of the article or the book.
THE MEN
THE ENORMOUS BABY BOYFRIEND
(Relevance: The cardboard collectors and otakus)
Never grows up. Even if you have your own babies, he'll be a bigger baby than any of them. Mooching about in skateboard gear, he will text, text, text, text, text, plug into iMacs, iPods, PSPs, Wi-Fis and, when not hooked up to a gadget, take to his bed to preserve his energy for downloading iTunes. He is 42.
WHAT HE SAYS 'Bagsie me first!'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Become a fully qualified childminder - you'll need a certificate to hold up in court when he tries to sue you for lack of attention.
THE MAN FROM ATLANTIS
Disappears. On your birthday, at Christmas, during spring and most of autumn, at weekends. Occasionally, he turns up on a Friday. Where has he been? Buried under a ton of silage? No. More likely, he's discovered the fabled missing city of Atlantis, along with thousands of other men who refuse to acknowledge clock or calendar.
WHAT HE SAYS 'I'll always be here for you.'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Go on a missing person's website. You'll have a much more fulfilling relationship with someone who really has disappeared.
THE MOODY B*****D
Never grows up. Even if you have your own babies, he'll be a bigger baby than any of them. Mooching about in skateboard gear, he will text, text, text, text, text, plug into iMacs, iPods, PSPs, Wi-Fis and, when not hooked up to a gadget, take to his bed to preserve his energy for downloading iTunes. He is 42.
WHAT HE SAYS 'Bagsie me first!'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Become a fully qualified childminder - you'll need a certificate to hold up in court when he tries to sue you for lack of attention.
THE MAN FROM ATLANTIS
Disappears. On your birthday, at Christmas, during spring and most of autumn, at weekends. Occasionally, he turns up on a Friday. Where has he been? Buried under a ton of silage? No. More likely, he's discovered the fabled missing city of Atlantis, along with thousands of other men who refuse to acknowledge clock or calendar.
WHAT HE SAYS 'I'll always be here for you.'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Go on a missing person's website. You'll have a much more fulfilling relationship with someone who really has disappeared.
THE MOODY B*****D
(Relevance: The competitive sufferers)
Has his emotional barometer set on heavy weather. 'Going into one' is his full-time occupation, and his extra-curricular activities include sending you to Coventry and Stomping Off. Apparently, he 'doesn't need the hassle'. If he worked in a Prozac factory, he'd still manage to create an air of despondency.
WHAT HE SAYS 'OK, what do you want to talk about?'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Learn to enjoy the sound of silence. There will be a lot - interspersed with heavy sighing.
THE 'I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND' BOYFRIEND
Insists your relationship is casual. He doesn't do holidays or dinner parties, and definitely not Sunday lunch with your parents. You have now not been going out for five years. Honestly, you'd think he was a playboy with his own key to the Hefner mansion, having far too much fun to settle down. But he lives in a bleak flat with his pants stuck to the radiator. What a catch.
WHAT HE SAYS 'I'll see you Friday night. But it's just two friends having sex and then you go home.'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Tell him you really are 'not going out' with him. See ya!
THE SNAKE CHARMER
Cuts the compliments and drops the adoration the minute he's got you where he wants you: under his thumb. You're an intelligent, independent woman - since when did you become someone who blends in with the floor mats? He turned from charmer to snake midway through your wedding reception when he looked into your eyes, whispering: 'Your bridesmaids look stunning.'
WHAT HE SAYS 'Hark at you with your opinions! Just kidding.'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Get drunk at his work do, blurt out: 'Have you seen his man boobs? Go on - show them.'
Has his emotional barometer set on heavy weather. 'Going into one' is his full-time occupation, and his extra-curricular activities include sending you to Coventry and Stomping Off. Apparently, he 'doesn't need the hassle'. If he worked in a Prozac factory, he'd still manage to create an air of despondency.
WHAT HE SAYS 'OK, what do you want to talk about?'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Learn to enjoy the sound of silence. There will be a lot - interspersed with heavy sighing.
THE 'I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND' BOYFRIEND
Insists your relationship is casual. He doesn't do holidays or dinner parties, and definitely not Sunday lunch with your parents. You have now not been going out for five years. Honestly, you'd think he was a playboy with his own key to the Hefner mansion, having far too much fun to settle down. But he lives in a bleak flat with his pants stuck to the radiator. What a catch.
WHAT HE SAYS 'I'll see you Friday night. But it's just two friends having sex and then you go home.'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Tell him you really are 'not going out' with him. See ya!
THE SNAKE CHARMER
Cuts the compliments and drops the adoration the minute he's got you where he wants you: under his thumb. You're an intelligent, independent woman - since when did you become someone who blends in with the floor mats? He turned from charmer to snake midway through your wedding reception when he looked into your eyes, whispering: 'Your bridesmaids look stunning.'
WHAT HE SAYS 'Hark at you with your opinions! Just kidding.'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Get drunk at his work do, blurt out: 'Have you seen his man boobs? Go on - show them.'
THE EGO WARRIOR
Fights for his right to be selfish. When you brought baby number one home and lovingly placed her in the Moses basket by your bed, he moved her to the sound-proofed nursery complex at the bottom of the garden. His priorities are clear: 1) Me. 2) Myself. 3) I.
WHAT HE SAYS 'Can't we do Christmas without the children this year?'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Whatever you like. He won't notice.
THE WOMEN
THE INTERROGATOR
Fights for his right to be selfish. When you brought baby number one home and lovingly placed her in the Moses basket by your bed, he moved her to the sound-proofed nursery complex at the bottom of the garden. His priorities are clear: 1) Me. 2) Myself. 3) I.
WHAT HE SAYS 'Can't we do Christmas without the children this year?'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Whatever you like. He won't notice.
THE WOMEN
THE INTERROGATOR
Follows your every move. Quizzes and questions. Everything you say and do will be scrutinised. That time you gave her a 'funny look' in 1994; the day you didn't answer your mobile because you were having an MRI scan: it's all in the file marked 'Vengeance'. You'll have to account for your every move - including fag and toilet breaks.
WHAT SHE SAYS 'I'm not one to read into things.'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Get philosophical - when she asks 'What are you doing?', reply 'Hmmm…interesting - are we anything when we are not doing?'
THE UTTER NUTTER
WHAT SHE SAYS 'I'm not one to read into things.'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Get philosophical - when she asks 'What are you doing?', reply 'Hmmm…interesting - are we anything when we are not doing?'
THE UTTER NUTTER
(Relevance: Me)
Arranges 43 soft toys on her bed. Your one niggle is that her bichon frise dog 'understands' her. A few months later, the dog is the least of your worries. You are regularly woken at 3am by one of her 'I'm leaving - come and get me' scenarios, which results in you driving along the kerb looking for a dishevelled woman in her nightie.
WHAT SHE SAYS 'I love you, too - hold me. Get your hands off me!'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Emigrate.
Arranges 43 soft toys on her bed. Your one niggle is that her bichon frise dog 'understands' her. A few months later, the dog is the least of your worries. You are regularly woken at 3am by one of her 'I'm leaving - come and get me' scenarios, which results in you driving along the kerb looking for a dishevelled woman in her nightie.
WHAT SHE SAYS 'I love you, too - hold me. Get your hands off me!'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Emigrate.
THE 'WHAT'S YOURS IS MINE' GIRLFRIEND
(Relevance: Typical local girls, esp those above 30s with "careers")
Studies your asset portfolio; your salary, house, car, pension. The only way you'll woo her is if you lay your cards (credit, debit, Visa) firmly on the table. If the figures balance in her favour, you might see a flicker of attraction. Till death us do part? Till wealth us do part, more like.
WHAT SHE SAYS 'Ker-ching!'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Tell her you've given all your worldly goods to the newly formed Church of the Heavenly Three Lions (Founder: Wayne Rooney).
THE EMASCULATOR
Shouts, barks orders and demeans you. A lot. You couldn't be more emasculated if you were standing in your local market in a loincloth with a board round your neck reading: 'Eunuch.' You can't even park the car without her demented ear-bashing instructions: 'What are you doing? Reverse, REVERSE!' But when you finally make a stand, she's one step ahead. 'Oh, shut up. It's like being married to a poodle. I'm off.'
WHAT SHE SAYS 'No, he won't. No, he doesn't. No, he can't.'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Make a detour to LA on your U.S. fly-drive and leave her to try her male-bashing with the local gangs.
THE TOWN CRIER
Town crier: Always turning on the water works
Spends so much time bawling, it's a wonder she doesn't drown. She's just so sensitive. Actually, she's not - she's more expert at manipulation than a chiropractor. You soon learn to let her have her own way. It's all going to end in tears - yours.
WHAT SHE SAYS 'Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Take out shares in Gore-Tex.
THE 'AIM TO TEASE' GIRLFRIEND
Flirts with every known species of male, bar one - you. Sure, she looks hotter than Cameron Diaz. In reality, she's colder than Vostok. If you so much as move in for a quick cuddle, it's: 'Get lost! I've just done my lip gloss.' Your envious mates think you've got it made, but the second you're alone, she issues her warning: 'Don't get any ideas about coming over my side of the bolster tonight.'
WHAT SHE SAYS 'What sort of woman do you think I am?!'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Dump her - but not before you've told everyone she's a virgin.
Studies your asset portfolio; your salary, house, car, pension. The only way you'll woo her is if you lay your cards (credit, debit, Visa) firmly on the table. If the figures balance in her favour, you might see a flicker of attraction. Till death us do part? Till wealth us do part, more like.
WHAT SHE SAYS 'Ker-ching!'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Tell her you've given all your worldly goods to the newly formed Church of the Heavenly Three Lions (Founder: Wayne Rooney).
THE EMASCULATOR
Shouts, barks orders and demeans you. A lot. You couldn't be more emasculated if you were standing in your local market in a loincloth with a board round your neck reading: 'Eunuch.' You can't even park the car without her demented ear-bashing instructions: 'What are you doing? Reverse, REVERSE!' But when you finally make a stand, she's one step ahead. 'Oh, shut up. It's like being married to a poodle. I'm off.'
WHAT SHE SAYS 'No, he won't. No, he doesn't. No, he can't.'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Make a detour to LA on your U.S. fly-drive and leave her to try her male-bashing with the local gangs.
THE TOWN CRIER
Town crier: Always turning on the water works
Spends so much time bawling, it's a wonder she doesn't drown. She's just so sensitive. Actually, she's not - she's more expert at manipulation than a chiropractor. You soon learn to let her have her own way. It's all going to end in tears - yours.
WHAT SHE SAYS 'Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Take out shares in Gore-Tex.
THE 'AIM TO TEASE' GIRLFRIEND
Flirts with every known species of male, bar one - you. Sure, she looks hotter than Cameron Diaz. In reality, she's colder than Vostok. If you so much as move in for a quick cuddle, it's: 'Get lost! I've just done my lip gloss.' Your envious mates think you've got it made, but the second you're alone, she issues her warning: 'Don't get any ideas about coming over my side of the bolster tonight.'
WHAT SHE SAYS 'What sort of woman do you think I am?!'
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Dump her - but not before you've told everyone she's a virgin.
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