Sunday, November 1, 2009

Jaw Dropping Funny! Southern Belle Dishes the Dirt

It's called Dishing with the Kitchen Virgin with Susan Reinhardt.

I am at Page 36 and so totally loving it that I am deliberately slowing down my reading speed so that I can enjoy every well crafted word. A particularly delightful excerpt would be the part where she describes the act of seducing your man with the way you eat.... crabs??? I never felt more badly for Sebastian. Haha.

"So, listen up sex-deficit sisters. Here's the deal. When you go to a seafood restaurant, order the crab claws and learn how to open them before you arrive so you don't look like Rowan Atkinson crunching through crustaceans in the movie Mr Bean's Holiday. Perfect your skills with the crab cracker or learn to snap the claw by hand in precisely the right spot to release long and succulent strips of pure white crab. The meat will emerge from the shell ready for a buttery skinny-dip.

Go ahead and express your hot desires for food. Eating with lust is as erotic as wearing a thong teddy from Victoria's Secret.

I rushed to phone Mama with these thoughts and ideas, figuring that she'd call me a big fat harlot.

"Oh, sweetie, I never told you about eating in front of men. You can't moan and go all out because they'll think you're a hussy. Your Aunt Hattie used to drive them all wild 'cause she couldn't help herself at the table. She would grunt and groan and carry on about every bite she took, and she not only cleared a table but could also empty a room. It was a complete embarrassment, especially if you gave her a vine-ripe tomato that dripped juices down her chin. "
With this in min, all ye women afraid to swallow food in front of a man, take heart and EAT! No need to play coy or say "I'm on a diet. I'll just have a salad with no dressing.:

That's not sexy. That's neurotic. Nothing worse than a woman on a date ordering a dry salad and Diet Coke. You can imagine the messages this sends men: "I'm cold and frigid.""I only like sex when I'm not feeling fat, which is hardly ever.""I have hang-ups about everything in life, including eating."

If a woman wants to impress a mate or lay out a scene for seduction, she'll set the table and get down to the business of cooking something grand and sort of greasy.

A negligee is no competition for a perfect lasagne and loads of mozzarella dribbling from the lips of a lover. A bustier is no match for a meal of crab claws dipped in hot melted butter and running down one's jaw.

People like Aunt Jemima, Julia Child and Betty Crocker (me says: hey Betty Crocker does not exist. She is a fictitious figure!!!) must have gotten plenty of action on their Sertas because no one could possibly enjoy slaving over a hot stove unless a major reward is attached.

Read this book for the anecdotes, though they do get tiring and a bit boring towards the end of the book. DO NOT read it if you are looking for recipes.

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